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Sadie Week – What is Williams Syndrome

Wednesday, May 11th, 2011

This post is part of my celebration of the Second Annual National Williams Syndrome Awareness Week, lovingly called “Sadie Week” on my blog. I’m taking the opportunity this week to write about my experience raising and loving a child with Williams Syndrome, in hopes of raising awareness and understanding of this unique disorder.

According to the Williams Syndrome Association, this is Williams Syndrome:

“Williams syndrome is a genetic condition that is present at birth and can affect anyone. It is characterized by medical problems, including cardiovascular disease, developmental delays, and learning disabilities. These occur side by side with striking verbal abilities, highly social personalities and an affinity for music.

WS affects 1 in 10,000 people worldwide – an estimated 20,000 to 30,000 people in the United States. It is known to occur equally in both males and females and in every culture.

But there are major struggles as well. Many babies have life-threatening cardiovascular problems. Children with WS need costly and ongoing medical care, and early interventions (such as speech or occupational therapy) that may not be covered by insurance or state funding. As they grow, they struggle with things like spatial relations, numbers and abstract reasoning, which can make daily tasks a challenge. And as adults, most people with WS need supportive housing to live to their fullest potential. Many adults with WS contribute to their communities as volunteers or paid employees, for example working at senior homes and libraries or as store greeters or veterinary aides.

Just as important are opportunities for social interaction. As people with WS mature – beyond the structure of school and family activities – they often experience intense isolation which can lead to depression. They are extremely sociable and experience the normal need to connect with others; however people with Williams syndrome often don’t process nuanced social cues and this makes it difficult to form lasting relationships.”

You can read more about Williams Syndrome, in a clinical sense, on the Williams Syndrome Association website.

But this is what Williams Syndrome means to us:

Williams Syndrome Awareness Week

Our sweet, precious girl, who can bring sunshine to the most dreary day, and who can warm your heart with the most loving hugs.

To us, Williams Syndrome is doctor appointments…echocardiograms and blood tests and screenings and check-ups. It is having a daughter who has already seen more doctors in her four years on this earth than most people see in their entire life. It is accidentally showing up at the gastroenterologist office on the day you were supposed to have an appointment with the cardiologist, because there are just too many appointments to keep them all straight. It is two teaspoons twice a day of this and 1mg per day of that. It is care plans and medication schedules and health care checklists.

It is having a group of doctors and nurses who know your child, love your child and who do everything they can to help you navigate this unknown and frightening territory. It is care coordinators and directors and any number of wonderful people who make you feel like you are not alone, and that your child will have the help that they need.

To us, Williams Syndrome is three therapies per week, one hour per session. It is speech and physical therapy and occupational therapy. It is realizing that you spend twice as much time with the therapists as you spend with any of your friends and family.

It is realizing that those therapists you see every week have become family. It is watching these people come into your home, doing everything that they can to help your little one, even when it means coming up with brand new ideas just for your child. It is watching your child reach a milestone, and seeing the therapist celebrate with you, as if it was there own baby they were celebrating.

Williams Syndrome Awareness Week
Sadie, age 15 months

It is dealing with the frustration of behavior problems that never seem to go away, worrying that you are pushing your child too hard to understand a concept that they are incapable of understanding, or worse yet, not pushing them hard enough and using their disorder as an excuse, thereby cheating them out of the benefits of necessary structure and discipline. It is worrying over finding the balance between what you can do to help them, and what power you have to make a difference in their life, versus what is hard-wired into them and cannot be changed. It is wondering if those things that make their life difficult are the direct result of them having Williams Syndrome, or a direct result of your failure as a parent.

It is seeing the progress and achievements and growth with pure joy and pride. It is appreciating every little step, every little milestone, every new word, savoring and celebrating each little triumph. It is the happiness that comes with not taking any of those accomplishments for granted.

It is wondering how much of what you love about your child is their personality, and how much is the direct result of those missing genes.

It is looking at your child and knowing that no disorder can ever change that this little person is a perfect product of the love between you and your spouse

Williams Syndrome Awareness Week
Sadie, age 15 months, with Mommy and Daddy

It is wondering how your child will feel when their younger sibling catches up to them, or passes them, in school. Or how your younger child will feel when they pass their older sibling.

It is watching your children grow together, and become best friends. It is watching that mutual love and admiration they have for each other, and seeing them learn from each other.

It is wondering how your younger child will feel about their older sibling with WS. It is wondering what effect the relationship will have on both children, good or bad, throughout their lives. It is worrying about jealousy of the child with WS who gets all of the attention. It is worrying how the younger child’s personality will be effected by the attention, both positive and negative, that the older child constantly receives. It is worrying about how to treat them both fairly and equally when one obviously needs more than the other.

It is hoping that your younger child will have a deeper respect and compassion for all of humanity, and will ultimately be a better person, for having grown up with such a special sibling.

Williams Syndrome Awareness Week
Sadie and Ruby, Easter 2011

It is the feeling of unease in a group of parents of “normal” kids, because you just feel like you can’t always relate. It is the reluctance to share your own stories and ask for support because of not wanting to burden them with your troubles or because of the fear of losing their acceptance. It is the loneliness that comes from feeling like you have no one to understand what you’re going through.

It is watching your family and friends come together to support your child.

It is a community of families, all dealing with the same issues, who support and love each other, and can share in common experiences and challenges.

It is dealing with the horribly unfair reality that your child has been robbed from birth of the chance at a “normal” life. It is the awkwardness and hesitation that comes with trying to explain such a rare and unusual disorder.

It is the satisfaction of knowing the research being done on this disorder is helping our medical community to develop a new understanding of how genes affect our health and our personality, and even our understanding of the experience of happiness and unconditional love.

Williams Syndrome Awareness Week
Sadie, almost 4 years old

To us, Williams Syndrome is wonderful and terrible, painful and fascinating, unique and extraordinary.

There is much more to our little girl than just Williams Syndrome, but it is a big part of who she is, and as a result, it is a big part of who we are as a family. There is a lot of bad that comes with it, and there is a lot that is difficult. But there is also a lot of wonderful.

Good and bad, Williams Syndrome is a large part of our life, and I know that we are stronger as a family because of it.

South Carolina Walk For Williams Syndrome

Click here to read more posts from “Sadie Week.”

If you would like to participate, attend, or learn more about the South Carolina Walk for Williams, you can visit our walk website here.

Please consider making a donation to the Williams Syndrome Association in honor of our sweet little girl and the South Carolina Walk for Williams. A donation in any amount is greatly appreciated, and will directly benefit individuals and families living with Williams Syndrome. Here are links to the three online fundraising campaigns that were created in our daughter’s honor:
South Carolina Walk for Williams online donation page
Campaign created by her uncle
Campaign created by The BFF
Campaign created by us, her parents

* And please note that names are changed for privacy…sorry to be so confusing and all double-o-seven wannabe on ya.

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Posted in Child Rearing, Life in General, Motherhood | 5 Comments »

Sadie Week – Mommy Guilt

Tuesday, May 10th, 2011

This post is part of my celebration of the Second Annual National Williams Syndrome Awareness Week, lovingly called “Sadie Week” on my blog. I’m taking the opportunity this week to write about my experience raising and loving a child with Williams Syndrome, in hopes of raising awareness and understanding of this unique disorder.

I’m giving myself one day to emotionally vomit all over my blog, and to get out all of the pain and ugly tears that I have been bottling up for the past three years. The rest of the week will be much more useful and upbeat, which I think is a much better reflection of our life with such an amazing little girl. But there is a hard part that I try to ignore as best I can, and I feel like neglecting to mention that side of it gives an unrealistic picture of what this life is like. I hope this does some good, since several boxes of tissues will give their lives during the writing of this post.

So, if this is the first thing that you are reading about Williams Syndrome, and my sweet girl, I encourage you to go back to my last post and to come back later this week to read the good and the bad and the amazing…because this is really just the ugly.

Of everything I wrote last year about how it felt when we found out that Sadie has Williams Syndrome, one thing stands out to me now. There is one thing that I wrote that I know I could never explain better, could never word in any way that more accurately reflects the feelings that I have every day.

I was pissed at myself because I just knew that it was my fault. I was her mother, and it was my job to make her and bake her and raise her and keep her safe. And I failed.

I didn’t care how much I read about it being a total genetic accident…in my mind, I may as well have ripped those genes out of her with my bare hands, because it was totally and completely my fault.

I had heard people talk about “Mommy Guilt,” and I had a vague understanding of what it meant to feel personally responsible and completely invested in the life of someone else.

But I never really understood these feelings before I became a mother. I never knew how powerful that worry and concern and guilt could be. When my sweet little girl was born, so much of me changed. An overwhelming majority of the thoughts in my head at any given moment now revolved around the happiness, health, well-being and future of a tiny little person who was now my biggest responsibility.

And then when her diagnosis came, I understood that worry and guilt on a whole new level. Now, over three years after our baby girl was diagnosed with Williams Syndrome, worry and guilt have become just as much a part of me as any other part of my personality. It’s become so much a part of me that it doesn’t even feel unusual anymore…the feeling of being almost overcome with guilt and worry is just part of my life now.

I know in my head that it is not my fault that she has WS. I have very good reasons (doctors and geneticists and people who know much more about this than I) to believe that it happened completely randomly, and that nothing I did caused it, and therefore, there was nothing I could have done to prevent it.

But my heart has still not been able to accept it.

My heart still wants to believe that there is something that caused it, some reason, some…”why.” Maybe it’s that if I feel that there is a “why,” then there also has to be a way to fix it. And I want more than anything in the world to be able to “fix” her.

I want those genes for her, and I want that future for her that she will never have without them. I would give anything of myself to be able to give those genes to her…I would give her mine if there was a way, even if it meant that there was not enough me left to go on afterwards.

Some people with children with special needs get very upset when someone says this, because they think that you’re somehow rejecting your child and denying who they are. I can see that rationale, but I don’t exactly agree with it. I love her for who she is, and who she is includes having Williams Syndrome. I would love her no matter what, and I will forever. And I know that a big part of her personality may be a direct result of her having WS.

But that doesn’t mean that I would not give that up in order to give her the best chance at living a long, healthy, happy life full of every opportunity, every joy, and every experience that she may desire. She has the most sweet, loving, amazing little personality, which is at least partially caused by her having Williams Syndrome. But if I could give her those genes that she is missing and take away everything that is Williams Syndrome from her, even knowing that it may completely change who she is, I would do it in a heartbeat.

I just want my baby to be ok.

Ugh, that sentence looks so little, so insignificant. It does no justice to the desperation and pain that I feel when I say it, or even when I think it.

Even all caps in bold black sans-serif font with fifty exclamation points would do nothing in expressing the way that I feel when these thoughts take over. Sitting in a ball, arms wrapped around myself as tight as possible, as if they’re the only thing keeping my entire body from exploding all over the world, the only thing keeping my heart from bursting through my chest. Snotty, ugly tears smeared all over my face and frantic, gasping sobs that cannot be fought back. Deep, physical, gut-wrenching, heart-breaking pain that consumes your entire existence, and the only way out is to just get it all out of you until you collapse, exhausted and weak from the emotion that has flooded out of you. And your only option is to try to regain your perspective, and face everything anew with a calm and a purpose that will help you make it through until the next time that the emotions force their way out again, because you know they will.

I just want my baby to be ok.

What it boils down to is that I feel like I gave a life to my precious baby girl that was going to make the rest of her life hard from the very beginning…that it was all my fault, and that there is nothing I can ever do to fix it.

I just want her life to be everything that she wants it to be. And I never want to have to tell her that she can’t do something, that she is going to miss out on an opportunity, just because she doesn’t have those genes. I never want her to have to deal with rejection of any kind that is based solely on the fact that she has a disorder that makes her “different.”

But I can’t.

I can’t trade anything to take this disorder away. No amount of wishing and hoping and praying will make up for that missing genetic material. No one ever even mentions a “cure” for Williams Syndrome, because there isn’t one, and there isn’t any hope for one. The very fiber of their being is made up of something that is incomplete, and it is so pervasive through their little bodies that no one therapy or treatment or medication, or even a cocktail of all of thee above, could ever come close to making up for what is missing.

There are band-aids for each of the issues that come with WS. There are heart surgeries if the SVAS gets really bad. There are medications and treatments for the digestive issues, the vision and hearing problems, the thyroid and blood pressure and sleep issues. There are therapies that can help with the speech delays, the fine motor and gross motor deficiencies. And there are methods and medications to help with the attention and anxiety problems. There are endless aids to improve the issues that can come with Williams Syndrome, but they are all ongoing treatments that will never completely “fix” any of the problems.

And I am grateful for the Williams Syndrome Association, doctors and researchers across the world who have given us these resources, and given us the knowledge of what we can utilize to help our kids. I am eternally grateful for all of the help that is available to us.

But there are no treatments, no medications that can ease the pain of guilt.

Even if I make a full-time job out of getting her the best medical care that I can find, coordinating all of the appointments and therapies, keeping up with every test that needs to be done and every screening that has to happen, and trying every possible activity at home to help her master skills that most children just pick up on their own (which is about what I do now)…the guilt is still there.

I want so bad for her to be able to have a “normal” life. I want her to go to school and be excited about learning. I want her to giggle her head off with her best friends. I want her to feel loved and accepted and wanted. I want her to be able to live independently, and make her own life when she is ready.

I want her to know the joys of freedom and life and love.

I want her to know the overwhelming love that I feel for her, and to have the depth of understanding to be able to feel it herself for someone else. I want her to have the chance to know that love for her own children, if she chooses to become a parent.

It breaks my heart to think that it will not be possible for her to do any of these things.

All of these experiences are extremely iffy for her, if not completely unlikely. I want to be able to worry about what kind of friend and wife and mother my daughter will be, not whether or not she will be able to be those things. I don’t want to think that any of these things are impossible for her.

So instead I try everything that I can think of to help her however I can, and I keep hoping that maybe she will prove everyone wrong. That she will go on to be that rare exception that is able to lead a full, healthy, mostly normal life, despite those missing genes. I try to ignore those limitations that I know may be there, in hopes that I can will them away.

I try to remind myself that her health problems and developmental delays could be much more severe, and that I should count my blessings more than I count my challenges. And I do, most of the time, keep myself from wallowing in that worry and self-pity and guilt by focusing on the positive.

I know that we are so lucky that she is doing as well as she is, and I know that everything could be so much worse. I know that there are other children with Williams Syndrome who are in hospitals right now fighting for their lives, mothers of little tiny babies who maybe never leave the hospital, and women all over the world who have endured the pain of losing a child to complications from WS and millions of other ailments and disorders.

But that knowledge does not diminish my pain. Knowing that it could be much worse does not mean that this does not hurt still.

I know that nothing will ever take away the guilt of feeling like I have failed my baby, and the pain and helplessness of knowing that there really isn’t anything I can do to fix her. As her Daddy said when we got the diagnosis, I would love her even if they told me that she was a fish. I will always love her for who she is, Williams Syndrome and all, but that does not mean that I’m happy that she has it, or that I don’t wish that she didn’t have WS.

They say that time is the only thing that can lessen the pain of these wounds, and I will continue to wait as patiently as possible for that time to come, though I’m beginning to wonder about the validity of that statement.

South Carolina Walk For Williams Syndrome

If you would like to participate, attend, or learn more about the South Carolina Walk for Williams, you can visit our walk website here.

Please consider making a donation to the Williams Syndrome Association in honor of our sweet little girl and the South Carolina Walk for Williams. A donation in any amount is greatly appreciated, and will directly benefit individuals and families living with Williams Syndrome. Here are links to the three online fundraising campaigns that were created in our daughter’s honor:
South Carolina Walk for Williams online donation page
Campaign created by her uncle
Campaign created by The BFF
Campaign created by us, her parents

* And please note that names are changed for privacy…sorry to be so confusing and all double-o-seven wannabe on ya.

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Posted in Child Rearing, Life in General, Motherhood | 2 Comments »

Sadie Week and the Second Annual National Williams Syndrome Awareness Week

Monday, May 9th, 2011

I’ve been pretty slack on the blogging lately, which is entirely due to the fact that I have been busier in the past 6 months than I think I have ever been in my life. Most recently, I’ve been busy with all the usual (work, kids, life, trying to find time to sleep), as well as planning the Second Annual South Carolina Walk for Williams!

Our walk last year was a huge success, and this year is looking like it is, yet again, going to blow all of our expectations out of the water!

To celebrate the walk and National Williams Syndrome Awareness Week, I’m going to continue the tradition I started last year here on my blog and dedicate an entire week to our precious little girl, who I lovingly call “Sadie” (due to privacy concerns) on this blog.

Welcome to Sadie Week!

Sadie Week - Walk for Williams

Over the course of the next seven days, I’m planning to share more information about Williams Syndrome and how it has affected our lives. Last year, I tried to write about our experiences living with Williams Syndrome, and about our thoughts on the future of our daughter and our family, but it was honestly just too hard. I’m still not entirely comfortable discussing the future with anyone, and still can’t do so without crying, but it is something that I really want to address. Hopefully, I’ll be able to get through writing that post this year.

So, to kick off “Sadie Week,” I want to include some links to last year’s posts. I think they do a great job of describing what it was like for my family to go through the diagnosis, and how it was for us in the beginning.

May 10, 2010
Sadie Week and the First National Williams Syndrome Awareness Week
A little about Williams Syndrome and some adorable pictures of our sweet girl

May 11, 2010
Sadie Week – The Diagnosis
Part One of my thoughts and memories of getting the diagnosis

May 12, 2010
Sadie Week – Learning to Fly (or just…be)
Part Two of the diagnosis, Welcome to Holland, and the beginning of our changed life

May 14, 2010
Happy Birthday Sadie!
Repost of Sadie’s birth story, in honor of her 3rd birthday

May 16, 2010
An Amazing End to an Amazing Week
Brief recap of the walk

If you only have time to read one or two of those posts (or maybe half of one, since I couldn’t order a cheeseburger in 500 words or less), please consider reading the May 10th post to learn more about Williams Syndrome. The emotional one is the May 11th entry.

Sadie Week - Walk for Williams

South Carolina Walk For Williams Syndrome

If you would like to participate, attend, or learn more about the South Carolina Walk for Williams, you can visit our walk website here.

Please consider making a donation to the Williams Syndrome Association in honor of our sweet little girl and the South Carolina Walk for Williams. A donation in any amount is greatly appreciated, and will directly benefit individuals and families living with Williams Syndrome. Here are links to the three online fundraising campaigns that were created in our daughter’s honor:
South Carolina Walk for Williams online donation page
Campaign created by her uncle
Campaign created by The BFF
Campaign created by us, her parents

* And please note that names are changed for privacy…sorry to be so confusing and all double-o-seven wannabe on ya.

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Posted in Child Rearing, Life in General, Motherhood | 1 Comment »

Happy Birthday Ruby!

Sunday, October 17th, 2010

So, yeah…I haven’t felt much like updating this lately.

Can you tell?

It’s really that I’ve been crazy busy, and given that I work in front of this computer screen all day, the last thing I really want to do when I’m done working is look at it more.

But, today is my sweet little baby girl’s FIRST BIRTHDAY, so something had to be said.

And since I never finished her effing birth story (seriously, in a year, never finished it), I thought I better just go ahead and post what I did write. And I have to say, it’s been really fun going back over the details and thinking about the night (that long, loooooong night) that my sweet little baby Ruby came into our lives.

A proper birthday post with all of the fun baby book details should follow next week, along with some nauseatingly sweet photos of the birthday girl on her special day.

Ruby First Birthday
Leaving for the hospital…look at that woman full’a baby!

Well, I’m finally getting around to writing miss Ruby’s birth story. She’s almost 10 days old, and life seems to get more hectic every day, so I thought I should go ahead and get started.

(Edited to add that I’m still working on it, and she’s going to be 4 weeks old in a couple of days…

Edited again to add that her first birthday is in two days, and I’m just now finishing it…I suck)

So, let’s see…after the 34 week appointment where I learned that Ruby was sideways, we tried lots of different things to get her to turn. Apparently, something worked, because at my 36 week appointment, she had turned head down. I had my first internal exam of the pregnancy and learned that I was 2cm dilated and about 50% effaced. I was gearing up for a much earlier baby. I also learned that I tested negative for Group B Strep, which was a relief. Right after the doctor’s appointment, I left for my home town, and then left there to go to Georgia for my Great Aunt’s retirement slumber party weekend.

At my 37 week appointment, I was 3cm and 75% effaced. Now I was starting to think that this baby wouldn’t be so early. At this appointment, the doctor mentioned that I could start thinking about a date, 7 to 10 days before my due date, for an induction. I told her that I’d like to avoid that if possible, and told her about Sadie’s birth, and walking into the hospital for my induction 7cm dilated. I would end up repeating this story at every appointment after this.

That Saturday, we had our baby shower at The Godmother’s house. The Godmother and “Big Ruby” (our dear friend who has the same name as my little one) did a fantastic job! Everything was so cute, and it was so much fun seeing Sadie and Rose (Big Ruby’s daughter) play most of the day. Those girls are so precious, and I can’t get over how much they’ve grown! The Godmother said that Ruby could come any time now, since the party was over. The Godmother said she wasn’t allowed to go to her own shower.

The night of the shower, when I got home, I started having some pretty uncomfortable pains. I timed them for about 45 minutes before I realized that they were gas pains. Awesome.

My 38 week appointment was on Tuesday, and I was still 3cm dilated and about 75-80% effaced. The doctor kept saying how low she was, which I had heard at the past three appointments. I was starting to feel BH contractions more frequently, especially when I was in the bath tub. By this point, I was taking baths every night. There were several times when I thought they were getting more regular, and mentioned to Kyla that tonight might be the night, but nothing ever happened.

For the rest of the week, I tried to get work done and get things settled around the house. I never really had a burst of energy, but there were days when I wasn’t quite so tired. I usually got exhausted about mid afternoon, and had to doze a few times on the couch while Sadie played and watched cartoons.

Friday morning felt different just about from the time I got up. Again, I didn’t have a ton of energy, but I felt like work things were much more urgent. When I got Sadie up that morning, I went into the living room with her while she watched her cartoons and ate her breakfast. After she was done eating, I got her out of her high chair. Shortly after that, she climbed up on the couch with me and snuggled in my lap for a good 20-30 minutes. I can’t tell you the last time she had done that…sat in anyone’s lap for a significant amount of time. It was wonderful, and now I’m so glad that I had that time with her before her sister came.

For the rest of the day, I hung out with Sadie, worked, answered emails, and napped a bit. Ruby had the hiccups a good bit of the day, and since she was so low, it felt like my butt was hiccuping. Sadie’s daddy got home, and I really wanted McDonald’s (which had, unfortunately, been a large part of our diet for the entire week). I kind of wanted a salad, because I felt like I should eat something light. I ended up not listening to my intuition, and had him get me a Big Mac (plain, with only cheese). I only regretted this decision a little bit later.

Ruby First Birthday
Ruby and Daddy

After dinner, Sadie got her bath and we put her to bed. When we let the water out of the tub after Sadie’s bath, we heard a gurgling in the kitchen sink. We called my dad, and asked his opinion. He repeated to me several times that the vent was probably clogged from squirrels putting stuff down in there and he said we should flush it out with the hose pipe. I said that I would get Kyla on that when he got off work the next day.

So, I decide that I’m going to take a bath. I’m not sure what time I got in, but it was a little while after Sadie went to bed, so it was sometime between 9:30 and 10:30. I get in the bath like I always do, and was soaking and trying to relax. I was in there about 15 minutes or so…maybe up to 30. There’s no clock in the bath room. Then, I felt something weird. It felt like a fart, but it wasn’t in my butt. I guess you could describe it as a “pop,” but I think fart works better. It felt like an inside fart.

I sit there a minute and wait to feel the “gush” you always hear about with water breaking. Didn’t feel it. So I got up on my knees to raise my butt out of the water to see if anything is coming out. Sure enough, there’s something dripping out. Seriously, it was like thick water. It wasn’t pee…it was thicker. It wasn’t like discharge…it was more watery, and there was more of it. It was unlike any other bodily fluid I had seen before (remember, I never really saw my water with Sadie, since I was in the hospital and trying to avoid looking down there by that point in the game).

So, I sit there watching it for a minute, and it hits me that my water has broken. I call Kyla in there and say “Babe! I’m leaking!!!”

We discuss for a few minutes whether or not my water has actually broken. At this point, I know it has broken, because what the hell else could this be, but we discuss it anyway. As we were discussing it, he kept walking off into other parts of the house. I’m standing (more like crouching, I guess) in the bathtub, trying to talk to him, and he’s already so worked up that he’s wandering around the house. Literally, just walking off as I’m talking to him.

I start to get out of the tub to go lay down, as I remember something at this point about if your water has broken, it will still come out when you’re laying down. He insists that this is not the best plan to determine the identity of the substance leaking out of me, and insists that I should stay in the large porcelain tub with a drain if I’m leaking anything. So, I stay there, standing in a tub full of water, watching something dripping out of me.

We discuss whether or not he should go ahead and call The BFF (our babysitter for Sadie), or my parents, or his parents, or the doctor, or if we should call anyone yet. I wanted to take a shower, since I was already in there and I knew that we still had a while, since I had no pain yet. And I really wanted to be clean going into this. He gets on the phone to call The BFF and my parents to let them know that something is going on and they should be ready.

My mom tells him that its probably not my water…how she came to this conclusion, I’m not sure. So Kyla comes back and tells me that my mom said my water probably hasn’t broken, and I’m like “yeah, it did…its not pee, its leaking constantly, A LOT, and there are little twinges of blood…CALL HER BACK AND TELL HER MY WATER BROKE!”

So, I get out of the shower and call the doctor. I have to say here that I am so happy that this doctor was on call. She’s one of my favorite docs at the practice, and I was super excited it was her. I told her that my water broke, and that I wasn’t in pain, and she says that I can stay home if I’m more comfortable there, and to come in if the contractions get closer together and start hurting, or whenever I’m ready. This is exactly what I wanted to do, and I’m so glad I didn’t have someone telling me to get to the hospital ASAP. I live five minutes from the hospital (if that) so I knew we’d make it, even if we waited until the last minute. She says that if I haven’t progressed by first thing in the morning, that I should go ahead and come in around 7AM.

Ruby First Birthday
Mommy and Ruby

So, Kyla calls The BFF, and tells her to come on over. Calls my mom and tells them to get on the road, as we will be going to the hospital first thing in the morning if we don’t go tonight. We call his parents and let them know so they can head this way also. I believe this was around 11 or 11:30.

Side note: According to my cell phone record, The BFF was called at 10:35 and 10:50. We had also talked that day around 12:30, when I think she had called to ask me if we had a baby yet :)

The BFF seriously got to the house like 10 or 15 minutes later. I wasn’t even totally sure that Kyla had told her to come on over when she showed up. She was awesome.

Now, since I got out of the shower, I had been walking around with one of Sadie’s diapers folded in half in my underwear, because I had never thought about the fact that I might need something to catch that fluid if my water broke at home, so I was totally unprepared. I walked around with diapers in my drawers for a good half hour until The BFF got there, and then we sent Kyla out to get me some pads.

It was so great to have The BFF there with me while we waited for my parents to get there and for something to start happening. I would have contractions every now and then, but they still just felt uncomfortable and didn’t really hurt, and they still felt like the BH contractions I’d had for weeks. These did slowly get more frequent, but otherwise, about the same. We hung out, talked, watched TV, but mostly just talked. Once Kyla got back, he and The BFF discussed the Gamecocks’ chances for the game the next day. I thought that was amusing.

Ruby First Birthday
Our precious baby girl

My parents got there, I think, around 1 or 1:30 in the morning. My parents got a speeding ticket near the traffic circle in this itty bitty town on the drive to here. These people have not had a ticket between them in 20 years, so this was also pretty amusing. I was so glad to see them! Honestly, having my dad there while I was in labor was not part of my original plan, but it ended up being alright. I just wasn’t as comfortable discussing the details of my experience with the room since he was in it. I also think it was hard for him to see me in pain like that, but I really wasn’t in a ton of pain at the house, so I don’t think it was too bad for him.

We all hung out (me, Kyla, The BFF, and my mom and dad), timed my contractions, and ate popcorn. I think my dad was watching golf a good bit of the time. And I ate most of the popcorn, primarily because everyone else was afraid to take it from me. I spent some time bouncing on the exercise ball that we got for Sadie’s physical therapy, and let me say that thing was awesome. It was much easier to squirm around and get comfortable through the contractions while I was on that thing.

We really only timed my contractions for one hour, because at the end of that hour, they were getting more uncomfortable and only about 4 to 5 minutes apart at the most.

Personally, I wasn’t really in a hurry. I was comfortable where I was, and didn’t really want to leave, but all of my helpers were getting pretty antsy, and worried that we would be too late (and it’s a good thing they did!)

We got ready to go, called the In-Laws and told them to meet us at the hospital, because we were about to have a baby.

My mom and dad took the their car and followed Kyla and I in ours. I don’t remember much about the drive to the hospital. it was quick, and I sat on a towel and drank water. I do remember that we weren’t really sure which parking lot to go to, and had to just kind of follow the signs to the emergency room. Oh, and Kyla hit a big old pot hole in the parking lot while I was having a contraction (awesome). We parked, got out, got our bags, and headed on in. I grabbed my pillow and purse, but no one would let me carry anything else. We walked into the emergency room and I think it was pretty obvious why we were there…you know, extremely pregnant woman, pillow, suitcase. I think I told them that I was in labor and that my doctor said she was going to call them to tell them to be expecting me. A nurse just walks up and is like “follow me.” None of the situation I had prepared myself for: arguing heatedly with a nurse about how I was going to have the baby in their waiting room if they didn’t get me to L&D STAT!!!

It was a piece of cake. This was about 3:30AM.

Ruby First Birthday
Wide awake…and not screaming (weird)

We go on up and go to the L&D check in. Kyla fills out some paperwork and we head to our room, L&D room 2. We had to kick my dad out immediately, because I didn’t really want him in there when I had to get into the backless hospital gown. I know he changed my diapers and all, but its nothing he needs to see now.

So, I get in the bed, they start hooking me up, asking me questions, etc. They ask if I’ve had any complications with a previous pregnancy or birth, and we tell them about Sadie and her heart problem, just in the interest of full disclosure, even though I doubted that information would be pertinent. Then the doctor comes in to check me and I’m already 6cm! Yay! The nurses were asking me if I was thinking about getting an epidural, and I told them about Sadie’s birth and about how I really wasn’t in pain yet, and they were very encouraging, telling me that I probably didn’t need the drugs. I was seriously floored, as I had been trying to prepare myself for a battle with the nurses about the epidural, and since I had heard all of these horror stories about women being pressured into the Pitocin and epidural and who knows what else that they didn’t want. It was really great, and I cannot tell you how amazing those nurses were.

Also during the epidural conversation, I mentioned that I probably would not need the epidural as much as I would just need someone to tell me to “just suck it up and do it.” The doc and nurse said that they wouldn’t say that to me, but my mom offered to be that person if it came down to it.

So, we get settled in…me, Kyla and my mom, and hang out for a bit. I was having contractions every 3 to 5 minutes at this point, but the pain was still pretty manageable. Then the anesthesiologist comes in to talk to us. We told him that I really wasn’t planing to get an epidural, and he was fine with that, and told me that we would have to do it right then if I wanted it, since I was already so far along. Then, he said that he had seen on my chart that our oldest child has Williams Syndrome. And here is the crazy part…he told us that his older brother has it. Seriously, WS is like 1 in every 10,000 or so live births, and our anesthesiologist just happens to have a brother with it.

He told us that his brother is 32, graduated high school, got his driver’s license (though they don’t like to let him drive by himself), and that he has a job. So, I’m sitting there, dealing with contractions that are getting more painful and closer and closer together, and now all I can think about is how heart wrenching it is for me every time someone tells me a story about a child with WS who goes on to achieve great things. Its not that I’m not happy to hear stories about people who haven’t had to deal with major medical issues and debilitating developmental delays. Its just that I don’t like to think that Sadie graduating high school is going to be one of her crowning achievements. I want to think that some kind of college level education is not only possible, but probable. I like to think that a relatively normal, and largely independent life is exactly what she’ll have, not what she might possibly be able to have. I don’t like to think about there being any limitations on what she can do in life, and I like to think that me keeping that mindset will eventually benefit her somehow.

This also brings Sadie to the front of my thoughts, which makes me think about whether or not our decision to have another child was the right one, an issue I had been struggling with since we found out I was pregnant. Was it fair to Sadie? Was it fair to the second child? Would we be able to provide for both of them the way that they each deserved? Was I wanting another child to fill some kind of hole…to be the child that I had wanted Sadie to be? Did I want another child so that someone would be there to take care of Sadie when we were gone? I hate these thoughts, and this whole situation just brought them all up.

Ruby First Birthday
The absolute most delicious meal I’ve ever had in my life…pure bacon ecstasy

Kyla and I had discussed all of this before, and felt very good about having another baby…but I just thought I’d share what was going through my head while I was seriously less than an hour away from having a completely un-medicated childbirth…you know, to show you how crazy I am.

Then, I started really feeling rough, with contractions coming almost on top of each other and almost taking my breath away when they came. I also started feeling a ton of pressure. I said something along the lines of “its been great talking to you but I really think something is going on now.” He said he had enjoyed talking to us as well, and said that since he didn’t handle that end, he’d go get someone.

My doctor came in a few minutes later and checked me. I was at 8cm. She said that I was feeling so much pressure because the baby was so low, and literally right there. She and the team of nurses who had come into the room rather quickly all filed out, and left us to it. This was around 4:30, I think, maybe closer to 5.

At this time, I was really feeling the contractions. They weren’t as bad as the contractions I had with Sadie that made me get the epidural, but they were rough. I started moving around and trying my best to get in a position that worked. It ended up that the most comfortable position was on my hands and knees, rocking back and forth. My poor little hospital gown was just hanging off of me, and no attempts to get it to cover anything worked, so I think I just forgot about it after a minute or two. I was just rocking back and forth, not caring about it all hanging out.

My mom and Kyla were fantastic. My mom rubbed my back and put pressure on the lower part of my back, which really helped ease the pain (just a tiny bit, but any little bit helped in that situation). They were telling me that I was doing great, and trying their best to get all of my crazy monitors situated. I had the IV hooked up, and had the contraction and fetal heart monitors on my stomach, but they would not stay on with me rocking in that position. I also had this horribly annoying blood pressure monitor that would check my bp every so often. It would inflate and squeeze my arm…drove me crazy. I remember thinking that I could deal with anything if that stupid thing wasn’t bothering the shit out of me every couple of minutes.

So, here is the amazing part. The nurse came in and said that she would see if they would let me take the monitors off, and just put them back on intermittently to check everything. How awesome is that?! So, she got it cleared, and was able to take the monitors off, which really made it so much easier to concentrate and move. It was amazing, and this woman was fantastic. I cannot put words to how much I loved her for that.

So, we’re rocking, and rubbing, and grunting, and wiggling, and being checked every few minutes. My mom was trying to talk me through it, and was being as encouraging as she could be. Then she said something about reaching deep down inside and finding the strength or something like that, and I think my words were “too much pep talk!!!” I was told later that the nurse chuckled at this. I felt terrible for about a second, because my mom was being so amazing and I didn’t want to snap at her, but I quickly decided I had more to worry about at the time, and made a mental note to apologize to her later.

This was the period of time when everything gets pretty blurry. I remember looking at my mom and thinking how happy I was that she was there with me. I remember looking at Kyla and thinking what a great job he was doing being there for me, and thinking how much I loved him. I thought about Dooce’s blog post about laying in her hospital bed, on her side, holding her husband’s hand and being totally calm and out of it before she gave birth with no meds. I thought about how I would punch her if I knew her and she was standing there at that moment.

Ruby First Birthday
First picture of Ruby, Mommy and Daddy

I remember thinking about how weird I sounded, grunting and half screeching. I cared for about a second if it sounded weird to anyone else, but I mostly just thought how it didn’t sound like me. I thought about how I wished I had that damn exercise ball, but I knew that it wouldn’t have helped that much either. I think I was doing about the only thing I could do at that time. And really, it sucked, and it hurt like hell, but it could have been way worse. I always had at least a few seconds to a minute in between the contractions, so I had at least a little time to breath and get ready for the next one.

I also remember thinking that this could not possibly go on much longer…and I was totally right.

I don’t even remember the feeling that brought this on, although I wish I did, so I could describe it. I think I felt like I had to poo, and I believe I told someone (my mom, Kyla?) that I was going to poo everywhere. But anyway, something made me realize that I needed to push. For Reals.

So, nurses come in and the doctor comes in and everyone is moving around and doing stuff. I had to lay back on the bed. I think I asked if I needed to or made some comment about it, about having to lay down. Of course I had to lay down and turn around…how else could they get to me to get the baby? So I lay down. Legs are up in the air, some nurse is holding a leg, and Kyla is holding the other. At least I think he was. He might have been holding my hand…I don’t know. All I know is I’m in major pain the second I lay down, and I’m grunting and screaming and who knows what else. Some nurse kept putting my hand on the inside of my leg so I could, like, pull my leg up towards me, and I kept moving it and putting it on the top of my leg, pushing my leg down. I actually spent time thinking about this (you know, a second maybe), but at that point, not too many thoughts were actually sticking in my head.

So, doctor is down there, telling me that the baby is right there, I’m fully dilated, I need to push, yadda yaddda yadda. I remember at this moment that they (people…the internet…that lady on Oprah) said that when you have the urge to push, that pushing actually eases the pain somehow.

It totally did not. It made it worse.

I think this is when I felt the “ring of fire.” I don’t remember a ring, but I literally felt like I was going to be torn in half if I kept pushing. Now, I had actually been pushing a little before the doc told me I could, because I couldn’t help it. My body was making me.

Looking back, it’s actually amazing to me how my body just took over and did what it had to do. I tried to stop pushing, because it hurt so bad, and I think I said something about how it was going to tear me in half, and then I said “I CAN’T DO THIS!!!”

I guess these were the magic words. Kyla later told me that a ton more people came in when I said that, like they were getting reinforcements ready.

I remember seeing my mom standing over by the window…I don’t know exactly what she was doing, but I assume she was trying to get out of the way of all of the staff that were surrounding me. I am happy that I remember where she was, because I don’t remember where anyone was when Sadie was born. But anyway, I saw my mom standing back behind everyone, and it made me feel a little better, just to see her. I don’t know if she told me to suck it up…I have no memory of her saying it, but at that moment, I remembered that she said she would. And I knew I just had to suck it up and do it.

Ruby First Birthday
Mommy and Ruby

Meanwhile, the doctor is giving me a speech that basically says “suck it up,” but in other, more tactful words. She says that I have to push, and that they can’t do anything for me. She says that there’s nothing else to do but push, and I just had to.

She said something about not yelling anymore and using that energy to push. Eff that…I had the energy to do both. I just had to get up the balls to do the one that hurt more.

So, I pushed.

And everyone’s like “there’s her head!” but they kept telling me to push more.

I distinctly remember thinking “HOW ABOUT ONE OF Y’ALL GET DOWN HERE AND DO IT THEN!”

I found out later that her head would be almost out, then I would stop pushing and it would go back in. Everyone is yelling “push push push push push!” and I’m yelling crazy caveman noises and pushing like there’s no tomorrow. It was harder to push with Ruby then I remember it being with Sadie, I guess maybe because it hurt this time. I kept thinking “isn’t she out yet?!” With Sadie, I remember the last push, and I remember her sliding out, but with Ruby, I don’t remember the exact moment she came out. The whole end of the road part is kind of a blur.

I think I had to push to get her head out, and then push again to get her shoulders. Don’t quote me on that though, because like I said, this part is kind of a blur already. I don’t think I was pushing for very long, maybe only 5 or 10 minutes, and I really only pushed maybe 3 good times, with a few little half pushes. But, at some point, I pushed, and out she came. But it was so amazing…the second she was out, the pain went away almost completely.

Ruby was born at 5:30 AM on Saturday, October 17. She was still pretty small, but not as small as Sadie. I didn’t know this when she was first born, but she was 5lbs. 12.5 oz, 18 inches long, and her apgars were 8 and 9.

Ruby First Birthday
Daddy and Ruby…36 hours after birth, getting ready to go home

They put her up on my chest as soon as she was born. She was filthy and wiggly, and her little eyes were about half open. I remember that she looked at me, and I was just floored by how alert she looked, being that she was only a minute or two old.

Ruby wasn’t crying when she was born, which alarmed me a bit. They got her over to the little table thing where they examine the baby, and then I heard her making noises, but it wasn’t the constant, ear piercing scream like her older sister did. It was just kind of a half scream, half grunt noise.

I still had some pain when I was pushing out the placenta. That’s something else I don’t remember about Sadie’s birth…pushing out the placenta. It was just like all of a sudden it’s out, and I saw it…and was pretty grossed out. So I didn’t even look at it when Ruby was born.

Almost the second she was out, it was like I came down off this huge adrenaline rush. It wasn’t really an exhausted or hungover feeling, but I could tell that my body was basically like “alright, done…done done done…now let’s sleep.”

I can’t remember now if she latched immediately. During the hour that we had her before they took her to get her first bath, she did latch on pretty well, and I was able to nurse her successfully before bath time.

Ruby First Birthday
Taking our little pumpkin home

Kyla was there with me, and we held our little baby girl, soaked her up, and basically just sat there in amazement at how the two of us could make such beautiful children. The whole pregnancy had been surreal to me, much more so than my first, and it was really like it finally hit me that we were having a second when she was in my arms.

Yeah, I know…I’m real quick.

The truth is that I didn’t know how I was going to feel. I wasn’t sure that I could love anyone like I love Sadie, and I was much more worried this time around than I was the last time. Worried about…well, everything.

But when I held that little angel in my arms, everything changed. I wasn’t sure I’d have enough room in my heart for anyone else, but our precious little Ruby came into our lives, quietly and sweetly, and showed us how easy it would be to fall completely in love with her.

Ruby First Birthday
Our family

That’s as far as I got, y’all. Funny how I wrote a novel about the “before,” and then got tired when I actually got to the good part. You know, the part where we actually have the baby on the outside.

I kcik myself now for not finishing it while I still remembered everything.

I didn’t get to the part where we kept switching rooms, or where little Ruby slept through the night from like the minute she was born, or where Kyla was yelling at a football game on the TV in the recovery room at 11 at night (after we’d been up for, like two days). I didn’t write about how my Mama called me on Sunday morning to ask where she could find some emergency money, because there was sewage coming up out of the drain in our bathtub and they didn’t have enough on them to cover the emergency plumber.

Yes, my bathroom was covered in shit just hours before we were supposed to come home.

I didn’t get to write about what an absolutely amazing husband I have, and how he was everything I needed him to be before, during, and after the birth. How he held my hand or my leg or whatever body part I needed him to, without question or complaint. Or how he almost fainted (seriously) immediately after she was out, from either exhaustion or adrenaline. I didn’t write about how he always knows what I need, humor or sweetness or just his being there. He was amazing.

Or how my BFF stayed with Sadie while everyone was at the hospital, and how The Godmother brought me a cupcake to the hospital (as a gift from her, the BFF, and Sadie). And how awesome everyone was who came to see us, and help us get through the first few days. My parents, Kyla’s parents, all our friends and family were there for us, and it was just so awesome.

And I didn’t finish writing about how much easier the first few days postpartum were after the un-medicated birth, or how Ruby was the easiest baby that ever existed.

Hopefully, I’ll get around to it one day.

But for now, I’ve got a sweet little girl in my arms who is growing up at an unbelievable pace, and I want to get in at least another half hour of snuggling before she goes to sleep.

Happy birthday, my sweet little girl. Words cannot say how much I love you, and how thankful I am to be your mommy.

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First Day of School (kind-of)

Thursday, September 2nd, 2010

First day of school

Yesterday (Tuesday) was Sadie’s first day of school. Well, kind-of school. She is receiving speech therapy services through the school district, which happens at the actual elementary school that she will attend later (maybe next year). She only goes for one hour, one day per week. So, not really school school, but it might as well be.

Now, for the last few days, I’ve been a bit…anxious. That’s maybe even a bit of an understatement. There is actually a cute story about my anxiety over choosing an outfit that I should really share. I’ll do that tomorrow, I think.

Anyway, back to our big girl. We had been talking about school and how much fun it would be and how she would make lots of new friends and how it was the greatest thing in the history of the world…so she would get excited and not be nervous about it.

Who am I kidding…all that talk was totally for me. She could really care less.

So we got her out of bed, got her dressed, fed, etc, and talked more about how much fun it would be. The last half hour before we left, she was just running around, flipping back and forth between “I don’t want to go to school” and “are we ready YET?!”

She is so my daughter.

Anyway, we finally get everyone ready, get the girls in their kind-of matching outfits, and head out to her kind-of first day of school.

First day of school

Tears.

My little baby is growing up!

We get to the school (which is this beautiful, old building that actually looks like a real school, and not a shopping mall) park, and go in. We have to sign in at the office, where Sadie makes her first of many friends in the lady who prints the visitor badges. Her speech therapist was in the office, introduced herself, and started introducing us around. I kind of felt like a foreign dignitary or something, the way she was all “Principal Smith, these are the Browns…Sadie is going to be joining us for speech! Mrs. Black, these are the Browns…this is Sadie’s first day!”

One part of my brain was going “I don’t think they’ve ever had parents here before” and the other part of my brain is going “They really love us and want us to be here and want Sadie here and are so excited about my child’s education!”

Honestly, I felt special. The principal was excited to meet me!

Can you tell I was a big ol’ nerd in school?

Anyway, Sadie, of course, charmed every single person she met. She was polite…she said “thank you” when someone gave her a compliment, she introduced herself, she greeted people. She was loving it.

As we walked back to the speech room, we would pass doors and windows and could see that there is a large courtyard/atrium thing in the middle of the school. It contained a lush, beautiful garden that seriously reminded me of the gardens you see in Savannah, that you can only glimpse through the wrought iron gates. The therapist told us that the kids get to go out there and help take care of it as part of their lessons.

I’m pretty sure that’s the moment that I stopped worrying about if we made the right decision on having her go to this school. She could have told me that every parent gets a new car and I would not have been happier.

It just felt so right.

We got back to the speech room, and went over her IEP and her goals. We talked about her specific learning style and our concerns, and went over the basic schedule. Sadie had a great time playing around the room, even though I think she was a little overwhelmed with all of the new toys.

We did find out that she will be the only kid in the session for the time being, which is kind of good and bad. We were hoping that she would be with other kids so that she could socialize, but it might help her get used to school and a classroom if she doesn’t have the distraction of other kids. Apparently, it is likely that other kids will be referred for speech throughout the year and will join her, so we’re looking forward to that.

So, after we finished going over everything, Sadie sat down at the little table with the therapist and we told her goodbye, and headed out. Sadie was looking at us as we were leaving, and watched us until we were out of sight, but never got upset.

I told y’all that child would be fine if I gave her to a perfect stranger in the grocery store.

Mama was not doing quite as well. We walked out, got in the car, and I debated whether or not to ask Kyla if we could just sit there for the next half hour until it was time to pick her up. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to actually leave the premises.

We ended up running some errands, and talked about how weird it was to have her being in school. It really doesn’t feel like she should be this big yet. It seems like just yesterday…

Can’t talk about sweet baby memories right now if I want to finish this post.

So, we went back when it was time, and pulled up to the main entrance, and waited on the therapist to bring her out. I was so happy when I saw her silhouette in the hallway.

And then she comes out the door and is crying. Like, for real, crying.

“I don’t want to go HOME!”

In my head: “Great, this woman probably thinks we beat her…or chain her to the radiator or something”

She really had such a good time that she did not want to leave. They apparently took a little tour of the school, saw the library, went to a few classrooms, and met all kinds of wonderful people.

Sadie apparently sat down in one of the older kid classrooms like she owned the place, and all of the kids were totally in love with her and wanting to play with her. When she left, she said something like “goodbye, my children.”

The whole drive home, she kept asking if we would take her back to school, and we keep promising that she could go back next week, but that wasn’t good enough. So, as soon as we got home, I resolved that I will have to make myself take time out to take her to play dates and find a play group or something since we can’t really start her in preschool right now. Hopefully, we’ll all start getting some much needed social time this fall (now that this stupid weather makes it possible to go outside without dieing).

So, all-in-all, the day turned out pretty well. She had a wonderful time, I didn’t have a nervous breakdown, and we all feel pretty confident that this school thing is going to be pretty awesome.

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Breakfast of Champions

Wednesday, August 25th, 2010

Me: What do you want for breakfast? Cheerios? Yogurt? Cheese toast?

Sadie: Cheerios…and cheese.

Me: How about just some Cheerios? I think we’re out of sliced cheese anyway.

Sadie:
*makes angry three-year-old face, puts hands on hips, stomps around*
NO. Cheerios AND CHEESE
*Then, in a split second, face softens, eyes get really big and doe-y*
…please, Mama? I can have some Cheerios and cheese, please?

Cheerios and Cheese

Posted in A Funny Thing Happened, Life in General, Motherhood | 3 Comments »

10 Months

Tuesday, August 17th, 2010

I didn’t finish this post, because I suck, but I thought it would be better to post it unfinished than not at all.

Ruby 10 Month Birthday

Child, do you realize that you are ten months old today? 10. T-E-N. That’s two months shy of being a year old. Two months away from your first birthday.

Of course you don’t realize it…you still lack the capacity to understand that the baby in the mirror is, in fact, not another baby (which is precious, by the way…I could watch you play peek-a-boo with that other baby for hours, standing up and then squatting back down to see if the other baby is still there…adorable!)

I’m sure you also don’t realize that this little fact (you being almost a year old) sends your poor ol’ Mama to the edge of a minor meltdown. I say it every month, I know…I cannot believe how fast the time has flown by. It just feels like it is too soon for you to be approaching a year old. Please, please, just slow down a little. I promise, if you’ll agree to not age for a month or so, I’ll give you all of the Cheerios you want.

Ruby 10 Month Birthday

…Not that I don’t do that already. You seriously go through a whole box of Cheerios every three or four days. You LOVE them. You fill your tiny hand full of as many as you can, and then shove them into your mouth as if you think you can inhale them all at one time. Granted, about half of the Cheerios end up in your lap or all in the seat of your high chair, but a good many of them end up in the cute little belly of yours. You just love any food that you can feed to yourself…Cheerios, peas, carrots, whatever. You’re not a huge fan of being fed with a spoon, so you end up eating a lot of canned mixed vegetables and whole grain snacks.

We’re really glad you haven’t started showing signs of being a picky eater yet. We know it is coming, but we’re hoping that your sister hits the age where we can reason with her (read: bribe her with the promise of dessert) before you get to the age where you will only eat bacon and jambalaya and cookies for breakfast. We can really only handle one of you being crazy at a time, so please be considerate of that, k?

Ruby 10 Month Birthday

One of the many things that makes me tear up thinking about you getting close to a year old is that we’ll probably be weaning you soon. I don’t think I have any interest in extended breastfeeding, and I don’t think you do either, so it looks like we’ll be reaching the end of the road on that soon. I always said I would wait for the cues from the child to start weaning, and we’ve actually been a bit surprised with how long you’ve stayed interested. You hate to sit still for long, and you abhor laying in someone’s arms for more than two nanoseconds, so the fact that you’re still into nursing is pretty surprising…and awesome.

I have to say that I’m kind of glad you’re still nursing. I had hoped to nurse to 9 to 12 months, and I really feel like it has helped give you and I more time to develop that closeness that can be difficult to gain with a second child. That time is ours, and you don’t have to share me with anyone else, so I think it has definitely helped cement that bond between us. I feel guilty sometimes that you don’t get that one-on-one time with me and your Daddy that your big sister got as a baby, but I think that our efforts to give each of you your own separate time has worked out well so far.

I will just really miss that time when it’s gone, and it seems to be slipping away more and more. You’ll be walking before we know it, and then you’ll be in preschool and then you’ll be a bratty teenager who listens to terrible music and has crushes on boys with stupid haircuts.

Think hard about that Cheerio deal, please?

Ruby 10 Month Birthday

A quick list of some of your recent accomplishments:

• Clapping (7/27) – You finally have something to do with your hands when you’re excited other than flailing all over the place (which you still do, and which is still adorable)

• Slept all the way through the night (8/8) – midnight to 8AM after falling asleep on your own …I cannot tell you how happy this made me and your Daddy

• Asked us to change your diaper (7/28) – you kept slapping at your diaper and grabbing at it and making weird yelping sounds, and we were trying to figure out what the hell was wrong with you…and then we checked your diaper and changed you, and you were totally fine (I hope this means that potty training will be a breeze with you! *fingers crossed*)

• Stood by yourself (8/6) – Detailed account can be found here

Ruby 10 Month Birthday

Ruby 10 Month Birthday

Ruby 10 Month Birthday

Ruby 10 Month Birthday

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I Can’t Believe She is ThisClose

Friday, August 6th, 2010

Guess who let go of Mommy’s hands and stood unassisted for like 30 seconds on Wednesday night?

I’ll give you a hint…she sometimes smiles so big that she makes her own face hurt (this is no joke…I’ve seen her rubbing at her skin in discomfort after an extended smiling session).

Ruby

She was just squatting on the floor, obviously ready to stand, so I held her little hand while she stood up, and then she just let go. And she stood there for what felt like forever before she plopped down on her little butt.

So proud. :)

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I Don’t Like to Complain, But…

Wednesday, August 4th, 2010

I have to. And I know it’s easy to hate whiny posts where someone is all “woe is me” when they really have a lot to be thankful for, and I know it’s easy to sit there and think “wow, why is she so upset? it’s not that bad…”

I’m guilty of doing just that, on occasion. But I never say anything, and usually realize, after a minute or two, that I am not someone who has a right to tell someone else what should and should not qualify as “upsetting.”

So, I’m asking for the same, k? Just humor me, or ignore this post altogether if you want. Believe me when I say that I am aware of how much worse my problems could be, but that doesn’t make them any less frustrating right now.

First off, I’m on the rag. Ugh. I hate periods with a passion. Headaches magically appear every couple of months during this blessed week, and I am useless when I have a headache. I so rarely get them that I don’t think I ever even bought headache medicine until Kyla and I were married. So headaches…ugh. And cramps. And that feeling that your insides are slowly seeping out of you. I hate periods.

I know that my frustration is amplified by the presence of my monthly visitor, and it wouldn’t be so bad without it, but the fact is that I do have it, and it’s making it suck worse.

I despise money and wish we could go back to the barter system. I want to call the electric company and be like “Can I give you three bags of baby clothes for electricity?” I hate having every dollar I make already scheduled to go out to pay some bill before I’ve even seen it. And I really and truly want to punch Suze Orman and Dave Ramsay in the face…wanna tell me how I’m supposed to save an emergency fund when I have an emergency about four times a year that takes everything we’ve saved? Seriously, my long term financial plan revolves around winning the lottery or inventing some crap that no one really needs (and I hate that the slap chop has already been invented…I want to make something that useless!)

I feel like I haven’t slept in months. Really. Ruby just doesn’t want to sleep for more than a few hours at a time. So, by the time she gets to sleep, and I lay down and spend an hour or two trying to fall asleep (because my body sucks and doesn’t know how to sleep), I get maybe an hour or two of actual real rest before she is up again. And if I ask Kyla to do what I have been doing every single night for nine months and just take Ruby and only kind of sleep all night so that I can get one good solid night’s sleep, he acts like I’m asking him to build a time machine or grow a vagina…it’s totally impossible and out of the question, because he needs to sleep. I can’t keep going with never getting more than 2 or 3 hours of sleep at a time. I know lots of people get a lot less, and I do get to doze off and on, but I never really get to sleep all the way, and it is making me crazy. If I had any faith that my husband could make it through one night taking care of both of our children by himself, and if I had any money, I would totally go get a hotel room and go take a shower and sleep for seven hours.

Snoring, oh em gee, I wish I could go the rest of my life without hearing someone snore. I HATE it. For someone who already has an impossible time getting to sleep, having someone in the house who is not just sawing logs but doing the job of a whole entire logging company is pure torture. And then when the snoring wakes up the baby you’ve spent hours trying to get to sleep…well, let’s just say that I sit there and wonder how sad I would really be if his head just exploded (Kyla’s head, duh…you keeping up with all of this?). If I had it my way, we would totally be all Victorian and have separate bedrooms. I love you, Kyla, but I think I may actually need sleep to continue living, which means that sleep wins.

And showers. I would just about kill for a hot shower that lasted more than five minutes. Stupid water heater. I think I’ll continue to call you “hot water heater,” even though it’s redundant, just to annoy you. I have to try and get back at you somehow, since you make my life far less pleasant than it could be.

My girls…they’re the most wonderful, amazing creatures that have ever been put on this Earth, and I love them more than anything…but I wish it would be physically impossible for them to both whine/cry at one time. Like, they were required, by law, to wait their own turn, and if they did not, then their crying privileges would be revoked for the rest of the day. Yeah…that would be awesome.

So, really, I need money, sleep, a spa day, and a live-in nanny. Stat.

Whew…I feel better. Thanks for letting me regurgitate my overly-dramatic emotional crap all over the keyboard and the intrawebs, dolls. Please note this is not fishing for anything…or a cry for help or whatever*…just needed to get it out. And please also take the above as the main reason that I have not been too chatty recently…it’s all me trying to spare you from taking the full force of my bitchy-ness.

* However, if you’re extremely wealthy, own a spa, are an out-of-work live-in nanny or a hotel owner who would like to donate your services, then you are more than welcome to consider this a cry for help…kthanx!

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Posted in Life in General, Motherhood | 3 Comments »

Pop Pop Fizz Fizz

Thursday, July 29th, 2010

Sorry that this update is a little late. I’ve been too busy hanging out and enjoying my healthy nine-month-old daughter to be on the blog :)

Yep, that’s right…as everyone suspected, Ruby did fine on her nine month well visit. They said she was doing great, and that she looked totally healthy.

Her weight was a little low (didn’t gain as much since her last appointment as she would be expected to gain), but I was told that wasn’t really a cause for concern at this point, since she was early and is still breastfeeding. They did have to measure her head twice, because her head was so much bigger than the rest of her body as far as percentiles go, but it doesn’t look disproportionately large, that they wanted to be sure the first measurement was right. Gotta love a baby with a big ol’ noggin.

And Ruby did so good when they pricked her little toe to check her hemoglobin. She didn’t even flinch. She just looked at the nurse like “Excuse me, may I ask what you think you’re doing to my piggy?” This child has seriously got an attitude on her, and she can give you a look like you’re a complete moron better than anyone.

One thing I really love about the pediatrician is that she listens to my concerns and doesn’t make me feel stupid, but she does tell me like it is. She understood that I was anxious about this appointment, and she humored me by checking Ruby out maybe a little more thoroughly then was needed, but she also made it a point to tell me that she is fine, and that there is no need to worry. I really appreciate how she handles my concerns, and really hope she stays with this practice for a very long time.

I do feel an amazing sense of relief at getting through this appointment. It’s not that I really expected anything to be wrong, but just having that reassurance means the world to me.

Unfortunately, she didn’t really have any suggestions for Ruby’s lack of sleep, except that she seems to be going through a clingy phase, and with teething, it may just be something that we have to wait out.

So, thanks to everyone for the sweet emails and pep talks! Y’all really helped me get through a very rough day, and I really appreciate it :)

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